this is just one of those days.

last night i decided, screw this hypo mania bullshit, i’m going to be in control of my own destiny. this staying up til/past 1am and being tired enough to nod but wired enough to plan the next 15 years of my life – it’s for chumps. i’m going to progressively start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier. mornings are more peaceful and quiet and not as nod-laden, anyways. plus, that’s when the world is getting started and i dunno, there’s something lonely about being the onliest person awake, with their status sat to online on msn messenger.

so i set the alarm. for the second day in a row, actually. for 7:03am. (i’ve got to work my way up to about 5am. the goal. so i’ll have 3-4 hours of working time available before zoë even wakes up. will i actually work? maybe. i might end up just drinking coffee and doing yoga and stuff [a girl's gotta maintain her flexibility, right?]) and yesterday, my asshat of a cat woke me. i’ve pretty much got fancy nancy roped into adopting her/saving her from sleep-deprived me – those mid morning ninja attacks just aren’t flying lately.

so yeah. today, zoë woke up at 5:31am. i figured, give her a few minutes cuz for the first time in days, she slept soundly through the night. maybe logic will prevail and she’ll go, “you know, this sleeping thing? i think it works for me” and just turn back over. but no. so i get this awesome plan that i will pretend to her that it is the middle of the night and i go in, half a bottle in hand, tiptoey and all hushy, “zoëëëëëë. it’s sleeping time, baby…let’s have a bottle and go back to night nights.” and as i pick her out of her crib, i see something on her sheets – it’s light enough to see something, but not distinguish it’s identity or original home.

i choose to disregard. and then she accepts my cradling in our big comfy chair in her room (the only bedroom, ahem.) and she drinks most of the half bottle and then she decides, it’s time to sit up, but is kinda wilty against me. this is one form of zoë hugging and sometimes, it’s what she does right before coasting back to dreamland, so i’m all, “sweet” in my internal monologue. that’s when it happens.

i have never been so grossed out as when zoë threw up the entire half bottle (and i swear the bedtime one, too) in two successive actions as soon as she got comfortable. we’re talking all over her, me, the comfie chair. it was pure exorcist, visually. but i guess not green. so then, just for kicks, there was one more time – this one had some of her dinner from last night. from 12 hours ago. i didn’t even know she could digest that slowly.

so considering that we’re both covered and the chair is now destined for the landfill, and well, it upset her that her insides were trying to violently leave her body – she was AWAKE and our day was starting. she gets new pjs and so do i after it takes three burp cloths to clean the chunks and liquid off. good luck eating dinner now. i chnage her crib sheets and that’s when i see more of last night’s dinner, five feet away from anywhere she’s been. there must have been some projecting taking pace.

we ended up having to take a bath together and still, the smell will not leave my nose. i am never making her risotto again.

so i call fancy nancy all “something’s wrong with her!” she asks the usual type questions about fevers or any other problems and between the two of us we decide dinner didn’t agree with her and today she’s on the B.R.A.T. diet (bread, rice, applesauce, toast). she’s had a lot of milk and crackers too, cuz i am hyper paranoid of her being dehydrated since she still has that sunken soft spot issue. from months ago. and yes, she’s almost 13 months and still has a ginormous soft spot on the top – it’s normal apparently. two docs say so, anyways.

so we go for some walking around and in pulling out of the underground parking with the stroller (so much easier than keeping it in the back of the building’s storage room and getting it and putting it away three times a day), we see one of my friends/clients talking to one of my neighbours/friends. and so we go and grab a coffee and she let’s me know, cuz this has turned into a business meeting while zoë takes a nap (she passed out in the lineup, before i even ordered) that she needs the database that i’ve been plodding along on for months. in two weeks. or most likely sooner.

this database will be the death of me. it requires me to sit in a spreadsheet for, i think it’s been 25 hours so far, and basically verify that the information in each cell is formatted correctly, in the correct column and consistent with the other records. the monotony of this database is enough to make it so i have patience for it for an hour or two at a time. if i have more time than that, too bad, cuz i’m not going to do it! it ensures that hot keys are my best friend, for sure. cut paste copy redo insert row delete row. ugh.

so i’m going to have to call in babysitting favours it seems, since my other client has a wack more work for me, too and i also have:

• 14 articles to write on finances and single parenting (due by the 31st);
• to write one post minimum on the other blog, 5 days a week;
• to pack up all of dr daddy’s stuff for when he upgrades to a new apt October 1st;
• to pack all of mine and zoë’s stuff for when we downgrade to a cheaper apartment October 1st;
• to sell off most of the big stuff that we don’t need (like that 3rd stroller and the futon frame, etc.)
• to weed out my book collection and sell anything that i’m not hooked to (i buy a lot of books that i will potentially never read again)
• to sort through and sell off most of the baby stuff that doesn’t fit zoë/she doesn’t use (snuglis and pjs and stuff like that)
• to clean this apartment from top to bottom
• to pitch and write another 30 articles for the s.p. finance stuff
• to put more time into the book writing
• to finish off my current crochet project and
• to quit smoking.

this next 5 weeks is going to be a blur.

also two new concepts:

apparently, i’m doing things backwards and should be practicing self-care instead of usual selflessless in terms of parenting. i’ve spent the past nearly 13 months thinking whatever she needs, wants, etc is first and i can shower, eat, relax, indulge myself, enjoy things outside of being a parent, etc when i have time (ie rarely ever).

the thing of it is that if i chose to do those things, if i chose to put me first, too, then i felt selfish and like i was neglecting her or something. i had this vision that being a mom meant it was all about her for every second she’s awake and only when she’s asleep should i really do anything external to her happiness. and that’s when work and cleaning is done, so…there’s not a lot of time for me.

this is part of the waking early thought.

the second epiphany came in three parts.

one was that i took some pictures of my form after seeing my doctor and finding out i’d lost more weight, unintentionally. i was awestruck and where did all of these ribs came from?

secondly, i was honest with someone i’ve been romantically involved with in the past about my weight. i’ve rarely to never been honest about it and you can guess, if you’re a man i’ve slept with and you ask me how much i weigh when i’m losing weight, i’ll lie. i’ll add 10 or 5 or 6.5 pounds to the actual number because i can’t stand to see the look that is a mixture of incredulity at the mere number and that they would still want to see me naked at that number. i have seen boys go from horny toads to pensive psychologists in the blink of an eye and it’s not pretty (for my self esteem).

thirdly, i got the usual questions which used to annoy me but now i find comforting from one of the longest best friends, stargirl. stargirl amazes me at most moments and there’s been more times than i’d like to remember than me losing weight has lead to a tear-filled conversation. not about her, unlike a lot of the people i’ve interacted with. anyways, she asked the usual questions and she believed me when i said that i thought i was too thin and needed a few pounds, say 5-10. sure, it’s still underweight, but it’s the opposite of being anorexic, so whatevs. and then we discussed my eating habits and it occurred that i’m not intentionally restricting and i’m not purging and i’m not eating diet foods (except skim milk in my starbucks white mochas) or exercising for exercising’s sake. basically, i’m not working to lose weight, it’s falling off cuz i forget to eat and get distracted and am doing one of the million things on my plate, etc. you know that to be the truth when you watch me when zoë’s eating. i will eat anything she does and often finish her leftovers.

so, point: i’m not relapsing, i’ve just not been paying enough attention to terra.

which is why i’ve been writing this post, instead of putting in another two hours on that damn database.