Openness to some is a bad thing, to me a virtue (long, but cleansing)

my life has been thrown through a loop recently, as if i needed more drama in it. i have never been one for keeping things inside for long and this is not one of those times. i realize that now my websites are being watched by certain parties for red flags (this will be explained in a bit) and this has given me pause. i haven’t felt…free, lest whatever i say be taken out of context, read into or over literalized.

Here’s the play-by-play, though, as most people who read this blog are aware of: on sunday, the 12th i got into an argument with someone over msn messenger about a telephone conversation i’d had. this phone conversation involved very little to do with someone’s friend and more to do with the caller’s issue with rumours about a different person. are you still with me? so someone was upset because i was apparently using them to get to the caller. because i was apparently laughing behind someone’s friend’s back. i wasn’t and neither was the caller. it wasn’t like that at all, and like i said, very little about someone’s friend was said outside of the fact that she was a nice, cool girl (as i’d heard and the caller confirmed with enthusiasm). but anyways.

this msn argument proceeded to me being called a liar, a user, a bad person – threats were made about how many people would know it soon. i was blocked from someone’s facebook profile and i wrote a subsequent post telling someone that i was done with them and they no longer existed to me – that i couldn’t stand being called a bad friend one more time, or delusional during the course of a conflict. i went too far and even shed some nasty words in regards to someone being paranoid about who their friends were and how people would talk about them, after this. i heard from internet friend #1 that that made someone cry. and it did make me feel bad, but you know, i’d also cried. so…

i requested via facebook email my stuff back. even offered to arrange for a third party to pick it up. no response. meanwhile: rumours abound, people’s statuses online are changed to establish frustration, i email the person frustrated to apologize for their involvement in drama. emails are also exchanged with the caller apologizing. i tell all of our mutual friends what has happened and what i’ve done to hurt someone and that i understand if they don’t want to be friends anymore.

i did a lot of apologizing. when initially, at least, i really didn’t think i did anything wrong. i still don’t. anyways…

i told a friend all of the details of said msn argument, including the threat from someone to tell them i was attempting to sleep with her boyfriend (i wasn’t and still am not and have no plans to – saying i would consider it to someone on msn was a test. which they failed, miserably.), the friend publicly wrote someone a message stating that her family was to be left out of it, or they would have a problem. someone took that as a physical threat. and called me ranting at 1am on friday morning.

someone threatened to charge my friend. and to call child services on me. then hung up after telling me to keep my psycho bitch friends away. i returned this call and got voicemail and in a very even tone said that it was inappropriate for someone to call me at 1am, threatening me because of something my friend supposedly did. i don’t control my friends (do you?). that i didn’t know what someone could possibly call child services about anyways. (i’m a wonderful mom, ask any of the 12 people who have thus far volunteered to testify to it.) someone calls back ranting about how i have obviously instilled a need for violence in my friend, even though i’m arguing that i have no idea what someone is talking about (and i wouldn’t find out until the next morning.); that someone is mad enough to have told my friend that i’m trying to fuck her bf; that i have hurt six people via being a bad person and a liar. these people are listed by name, and the list includes the caller – who i really think is above being hurt by me, but anyways…someone screams “no one believes you, terra.” and hangs up. text messaging ensues.

i say that the only reason anyone has been hurt is that someone opened their mouth and that i didn’t involve any of those other people (that i hurt, apparently) – the fight was between someone and me. (as if someone told everyone the whole truth about what someone had said about the people i’ve apparently hurt, which was a precursor to the msn argument.) someone needed to accept their role in the situation. i finish this with “and don’t you dare threaten me or my daughter.”

to which someone replies, “u threaten her life people read ur blog. U r so deluded. Just keep believing ur lies.”

i responded back with “i do not threaten her. keep writing it’s really making you seem sane.” and then someone did not reply further. phew, right? that’s over. holy psycho moment on someone’s part but it was angry bullshitting…i talk to an outside party, they say to just cut someone out (as i’d been doing, anyways). one of someone’s friends, who still is my friend, says the same. the word used most often to describe someone amongst these advisors is unstable and unpredictable. i’ve heard about this behaviour in someone before and it wasn’t pretty – almost ruined a man’s life.

someone, i find out the next morning, emailed my friend (the one who wished to not be involved) to threaten harassment charges and of course, to say that i was trying to “get with her man.” failed the test. and i was apparently trying to “pull her into my sorry excuse for a life.” the friend is also blocked on facebook. (aside: being a stay at home mom to an amazing child while also writing for two not unpopular websites, running a home-based admin/bookkeeping business and maintaining a home is a sorry excuse for a life? what about sleeping all day and living off of another person?)

but again, it’s decided between the friend and i that we will just back off and leave someone alone, since it is unpredictable what someone will do next, if tempted even slightly. apparently the friend does not do that because since, someone and the friend have mutually agreed that they will not speak to one another, but that someone is not to involve the friend in this drama. hmmm. seems like that was the original message from the friend, but whatever.

i systematically remove all pictures and posts on this blog in relation to someone. i don’t own the rights to the other blog where someone may have been mentioned, so i can’t do it there. i’m removing someone from my periphery this way – it’s a toxic situation and i want nothing more to do with it, which means, sort of, erasing the past. i text someone’s other phone to say that: someone calling me at 1am threatening to call child services was not cool. i want like my stuff back and if it can’t be returned, a cheque can be mailed to me for $x (the amount it would cost to replace a book and kitchen item – the book isn’t even mine, it’s dr. daddy’s and by his favourite author, so it’s doubly important to get it back or replaced.) i also send a follow up text asking mine and zoë’s photos be publicly removed from someone’s photo site. no response, of course.

aside: the irony of this whole child services threat is that not even two weeks ago someone was kissing my ass about what an excellent parent i am and that someone was proud of me, after someone was told about a disagreement with dr. daddy. so yes, seems like pure vengeance to me…or lying whilst ass kissing.

on saturday night i send a general cease and desist type letter to someone (to all email addresses i have because i don’t know what has or hasn’t been blocked) again repeating my demand for removal of the images from the photo account. permission was neither asked, nor granted and at some points, Zoë’s full name is used – a major privacy issue for me. i quote the website’s terms of usage and how they are being violated in this situation. i give a deadline. i also say that all communication is being monitored and that further threats, harassing behaviour or defamation attempts will not be tolerated – that monitored emails, text messages and calls will be used to commence legal action. that threatening to call child services (do you see where i’m going with this?) in response to an assumed threat of violence is included in this behaviour. i receive no response. big surprise.

sunday night, 7:30pm: it’s been a tough day on some levels. dr. daddy and i have gotten into a disagreement about something minor but it was made up for in spades when i take zoë to the beach and let her stomp through a little puddle. people are oohing and ahhing at my beautiful, ecstatic daughter as they walk past, taking pictures of her beaming. so a pair of sandals that barely fit her anymore are worse for wear. the next best thing will be mudpies, i think.

we’re unwinding after a leisurely walk back from the beach and a dinner of meatloaf and garlic mashed potatoes – one of zoë’s favourites, besides vegetarian lasagne. she’s having a bottle before bed with me while we watch some of Hot Fuzz and cuddle on the bed. an authoritative knock comes on my door. she’s put down where it’s safe for her to be alone (safer than on top of a matress and two boxsprings, anyways) and i answer the door to a police man (from car 86, i’ll find out) and a social worker. seems they received a complaint that they’ve been sent to investigate. about my websites, especially.

you read this shit…you know that i’ve talked about doing coke three years ago and speedballs at twelve. and drinking everyday (before two weeks before i got pregnant, which is when i went on lithium and wouldn’t drink anymore). and being depressed, manic, psychotic, angry, frustrated, feeling impotent, concerned if i can be a single parent, hating tantrums (does anybody like them? i mean, come on. you watch me stamp my feet and hold my breath until i’m verging on passing out and then tell me you had fun.) about my eating disorder and fights with zoë’s dad.

basically all about my drama. and why do i put it all on the internet? well, it’s often a release – a form of journaling (something recommended to those with mood disorders to help them identify any triggers and how to be proactive in their self-care). also, well, i don’t think i have much to be ashamed of, so i think it’s best out there – remove the stigma and maybe certain aspects of my life aren’t considered glamorous and others aren’t considered horrifying. and i continue to learn and others maybe do, too. it’s virtually the same reason someone has often given about writing.

huh. i think i actually said aloud to them, “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” because i really can’t believe someone would go so far. i explain the situation leading up to their call and certain things are posited. over the next hour, i tell them anything they want to know. probably more. i am as open as always. i may have dug a hole by things i’ve said, i know, but you know, i’m watching zoë walk towards and away from the cop and wanting him to look at her book with her but not get too close and i barely think “she’s too important to try to omit something, because if they don’t take her but they find out later that i wasn’t totally truthful, they would take her then.” tears are streaming down my face the entire time but i still smile at my beautiful girl.

an hour later, i’m told that zoë is happy and seems healthy and she’s really social (yes, i know all that – how do i get her to stop holding her breath, though? without giving her the actual scissors or object it is that she wants that i will not allow that inspired a tantrum?) and that my house is clean (looks messy to me, but okay…) and that i’m not inebriated (like i would be, when she’s in my sole care?) , so she can stay with me tonight and they would be in touch. i’m given a card in case i can’t wait for them to be in touch.

she’s past her bed time and drifts off right after they leave, only about halfway through the english part of frere jacques (i sing the french verse first, then the english, dunno why). we don’t even get to the part where we talk about what she can dream about that night – we do it ever ynight, remember the things she saw and did that day, in the hopes that it will keep scary dreams away. that’s a bit of a blessing because i need to call some people for some emotional support.

dr daddy. livid. says for the first time since she’s been born (to me, anyways) that i am an amazing mother and that if he had any doubt, he’d never leave her with me. says, they need to call me. fancy nancy. same deal. livid. insulted that anyone would think that of me (aw that’s nice), that someone would call them in, in the first place. tells me to have them to call her. reconfirms her original interpretation that someone was and is a shitty friend and a horrible person. we can’t wrap our minds around how if anyone though zoë was being threatened, why no indication was given of that and only after a verbal threat over the phone it happened? how could all of us be so dumb as to not know that i am a danger, yet someone who is on antipsychotics, antidepressants, sedatives and a pothead is aware of the risk?

i get a call from my mom, who works with mom’s who are facing ministry interference. she doesn’t paint a good picture. all sorts of things like car 86 is only used when they’re sure there’s going to be child removal and ditto on the AfterHours social workers. that my mental history and the fact that i’m unmedicated and open about my eating disorder are drawbacks. gives an example of one woman who was not allowed to be with her child in a safehouse because doors could be locked and then she could harm her child. i am shocked by this. i am crying again. i can’t stop crying because my mom is basically saying that not matter what, i likely will lose my daughter, through no actual fault of my own and that i will have to petition to get her back. that they will give me a list of things to do and once i do them, they’ll give me another. then another. that the average time a child spends in foster care while their mom is going through these hoops – a year. that me “allowing” a relationship to continue between dr daddy and her is irresponsible to them since dr daddy and i fought a lot and it would be construed as me putting her in an unhealthy situation. or dangerous or abusive or whatever she said. that i need to go on welfare and move in with her for a few months to demonstrate that i am willing to live with someone who can be around constantly, who knows that risks there are. that maybe they’re let me keep her then, but probably i’d also have to go on medication and to regular weekly therapy and such. told me some resources and people to contact.

i contacted the west end mental health team to book an appointment – on the apparent recommendation of the reproductive psychiatry program at St. Paul’s Hospital. after a lengthy discussion with a intake worker, according to WEMH, i’m too healthy for them. that i should just look at getting a psych assessment but that since it’s a mild chemically based problem that i am educated and proactive about, weekly or even less often psychiatric appointments aren’t really going to benefit me. especially when i could be using the time for such activities as stress management.

because, let’s be honest, here. i have lots of people to talk to and we all know i never shut up, really. i don’t need someone to be paid to listen.

so, on thursday another social worker will be coming here to get some phone numbers and names. my doctor for one. how invasive, but i understand necessary. a list of (i think we’re at 10 ) people that i call or who visit or whatnot when i need support. so basically close friends and family – people i look to for advice, counsel, help in a pinch or otherwise. there will also be a list of people who regularly observe my interaction with zoë who have volunteered to comment on their interpretation of how i feel towards her and deal with her (that’s another four people, right now).

so here’s where the focus is taken off of someone and i will only talk about me.

i have been described as someone who will educate herself to a near PhD level on any subject that personally affects me. i have studied: eating disorders, abnormal and developmental psychiatry, HIV transmission and treatment, sexual health, print and television marketing, anthropology, sociology, child development and care, fashion design, creative writing, addictions, website SEO and marketing. i have most of the prerequisites to enter into either a double major in psychology and anthropology or to complete the MCATs. i was contracted to write for the eating disorder website, not based on my experience, but on my knowledge as provided in sample posts i wrote for the application. i also have been contracted to write on the subject on low-income single parenting. i am writing the treatment for a book that will be based on that same subject. i had my IQ tested at the young age of seven and scored 169 and was subsequently put into the first gifted program within the New Westminster school district. only 6 other kids were in this program. in the school.

i have been counseled during pregnancy and after her birth on the stresses of raising a child and the importance of having a secure, dependable support network in place, especially when there’s a history of mental illness – i’ve worked to do that and have strong friendships with positive, healthy people – teachers, retail management and even a newly practicing resident doctor. i’ve regularly seen my doctor, as has zoë. i’ve been going to him for three years now, i think. and he knows everything about my history. yet has never expressed concern about my care of zoë. he actually recommended that i split from dr daddy and be a single parent.

why would a medical professional advise that, being fully informed of my history, if he thought that there was any risk? as a matter of fact, why would his locum doctor not be concerned either when i visited him last week and the week before about applying for disability and being referred to a psychiatrist? note: i contacted his office before any of this threat was uttered. why would he comment on how great zoë is doing and what a great parent i seem to be?

i honestly don’t get it. but let’s lay it all out in the table. when seeing the reproductive psychiatrist, she agreed with me that based on my history and research, i was cyclothymic. with a milder form of OCD and ADD as well. genealogy sucks, it’s true, as these are all heritable conditions.

cyclothymia (from here)

• characterized by hypomanic and mini-depressive periods that last a few days, follow an irregular course, and are less severe than in bipolar disorder.
• Diagnosis is clinical and based on history.
• Management: education. some patients with functional impairment require drug therapy.
• commonly a precursor of bipolar II disorder. can also occur as extreme moodiness, without becoming a major mood disorder.
• In chronic hypomania, rarely seen clinically, elated periods predominate, with habitual reduction of sleep to < 6 h; constantly overcheerful, self-assured, overenergetic, full of plans, improvident, overinvolved, and meddlesome; they rush off with restless impulses and accost people.

For some people, cyclothymic and chronic hypomania adds to success in business, leadership, achievement, and artistic creativity; more often have serious detrimental interpersonal and social results. ex: instability with an uneven work and schooling history, impulsive and frequent changes of residence, repeated romantic or marital breakups, and an episodic abuse of alcohol and drugs.

Should be taught how to live with the extremes of inclinations; interpersonal relationships are often stormy. Jobs with flexible hours. artists should pursue careers in the arts because the excesses and fragility of cyclothymia may be better tolerated.
The decision to use a mood stabilizer depends on functional impairment, social benefits or creative spurts. Antidepressants should be avoided unless depressive symptoms are severe and prolonged, switching and rapid cycling are risks.

OCD – read this.

ADD – read this.

my commentary, as if you need to read more…

i used to be more depressive than not, less hypomanic. and even that winter two and a half years ago with days of actual mania were exacerbated by fasting for days at a time, excess caffeine consumption, sleep deprivation for periods of days, drinking to excess and drug use. i experienced a few suggested psychotic periods, but was not placed under psychiatric hold because relatively quickly, i began a course of medication, therapy and quit excess drinking and narcotic use.

nowadays, though still disposed to mood swings, i’m not as extreme as i once was. and i’m hypomanic a few nights a week. it’s been like this for a few months, even prior to the break up of my relationship and it really only means that nighttime is my most productive in terms of work and planning for writing, crafting and cooking ventures. i also seem to clean up my apartment a lot quicker. i usually go to bed around 1am and when i do, i fall asleep quickly and soundly (except for any baby or cat inspired awakenings). i exercise control over my hypomania by not staying up later or all night, though i feel as though i could and there is so much i could be doing. sleeping seems unproductive, yet it is requisite to living healthily.

this nighttime habit doesn’t seem negative to me because, in my life, there’s a lot of things to be done, and not enough hands or hours to do them. my work, cleaning, cooking, baking, crocheting, reading and writing are entirely dependent on what type of day or night zoë is having. if she wakes every hour for half of the night, i call it a rest from the rest of the “stuff” and just read a book or watch a movie. sleeping and napping like one of those other babies i hear about sometimes (and live next to), the kind that don’t hate the concept of shutting out the world for a few hours of blessed slumber? then i get hours of bookkeeping done, correspondence attended to, blogging, write outlines for future blog posts and the book, budget, wash dishes, do laundry, cook for the next day’s dinner, bake for zoë and/or friends, complete a few more squares on the baby blanket i’m making, catch up on the technical blogs i read that really require mental acuity, plan the next weeks groceries list via menu planning and looking through sales flyers, and just generally get that much closer to where i want to be – a self sufficient, satisfied stay at home mom who runs a business and is a freelance, published author. i feel a strong sense of capability and assurance. i feel as if i can do literally anything i set my mind to. i don’t set my mind outside of reason, though.

the ADD comes into situations when i am stressed out and am distractable from too many types of stimuli. ex. if having a conversation with someone, the tv is on but muted and there is music playing. i may not be able to follow what they’re saying. what do i do about this? i let the person i’m communicating with know that i’m having trouble – asking if it would be alright to turn down the music and off the tv.

OCD is again minimal in that things have an ordered, specific place and i count steps. those are the only habits, often i don’t engage in them and you know i’m healthier when i’m not counting footsteps or if my house is messy. sometimes, absence of these habits leads to anxiety. feeling overwhelmed, specifically. the solution? putting things in order, even just something small, for five minutes. how did this start? i used to count the steps to get to my bedroom in the dark after my dad would fall asleep earlier than me as a small child. i was scared of the dark. a certain multiple number of steps meant that i was “safe.” the ordering things – well that’s pretty obvious – it’s a control mechanism, just like anorexia. if things look clean or minimal, it means everything is right, i guess. does that make sense?

see why i might be confused as to whether i’m considered dangerous by someone? i’m managing my conditions extremely well, as if, i like, know what i’m doing. i’m very in tune with what i’m feeling and if i don’t know why i’m feeling a certain way, i will figure it out. i am determined and educated and proactive about my mental health – there’s someone too important for me not to be.

and so that is why i’m the first person to ask if something is ok about zoë. i seek advice from peers, websites, books, medical professionals. i literally have read over 15 books on the first year, alone. i’m so concerned with her healthy mental development that i would choose doing this alone than for her to think that it’s normal to drink a lot, sometimes or regularly, and i will most of the time make a point of eating with her, even though sometimes, i just don’t want to. i encourage her to do things on her own and ask her if she would like my help when she needs it, but i don’t force it on her. i am both respectful of her boundaries and consistently firm in my discipline – i don’t spend days saying “no,” but rather, “ne touch pa, s’il vous plais. thank you! that’s really good helping when you listen to mummy.” and to me, spanking still isn’t ok.

she’s advanced verbally, socially and in both large and fine motor skills. she’s so far perfect. but she’s a handful. they always are…