100 things

this list is inspired by Valency and probably in some places, uses her words too cuz when i read her list, i was like, “holy shit! she’s me.”

1. rilah is my nickname from grade nine, when i got into wicca. everyone who went on the music trip to west edmonton mall watched the craft and i wasn’t allowed to go cuz my dad was like that, but anyways, a few of my cool friends came home and we started a ‘coven’ and everyone had craft names. there was also xenophilia, aphrodite, aurora and kermit, besides others.
2. my full legal name at birth is a mouthful: terra, then three middle names, my mom’s last name and my dad’s. so that’s six names. get it?
3. everyone who loves me calls me ter or mum.
4. my mom was in and out of false labour with me for over a month. i was over due by three weeks and it is apparently lucky that i don’t have fetal alcohol or worse, if you listen to some of my family members.
5. fh was due on my birthday (but a year before me) and i was due on his 1st bday – i think we figured that out in a haze of green smoke, so it could be total bullshit.
6. what isn’t is that the guy i almost married and i share a birthday – december 10th. he is exactly one year and two hours older than me and was born in the same hospital, too.
7. i am the oldest of: one full sister, two half sisters and a half brother. i was raised an only child.
8. my full sister is a year and 10 days younger than me, and was put up for adoption at birth by my parents. she didn’t know she was adopted until pretty much she found some stuff and then tracked me down eventually. we are crazy similar and look a LOT alike.
9. of me and my four siblings: all have been potheads, four have been on antidepressants or mood-stabilizers, three pick coke as one of their drugs of choice, three have done crystal meth, four are binge-drinkers, four have been prescribed anti-ADD drugs, two are cutters, four have anger management issues to the point of violence, three have genius level IQs, four have tattoos, three dropped out of school and only two were raised together. our ages range from almost 27 to almost 14.
10. my dad made huge bank before i was born selling scrap metal and before that, dealing in chemical (and crap, but meant to be chemical) fun-givers. he taught me how to make a type of acid when i was nine. not the real stuff. but good enough to look real and run the fuck away with lsd-heads $.
11. after he got custody of me, when i was twoish, he went on welfare, later delivered newspapers and worked under the table doing computer programming pre-windows.
12. he got laid occasionally, but after he and my stepmom broke up, he never got involved with another woman cuz i was wrecked and blamed myself for their relationship suckage. i was 4 or 5.
13. i was engaged for almost two years to my high school boyfriend. we split about nine days before our wedding date.
14. then the store i’d had make my dress, the one i designed, flooded. and well, that really said something.
15. by that point i was in a drunken, stoned state, chain smoking and getting raped. life was much better than before we broke up, apparently.
16. i was not allowed to smoke, drink or do drugs when i was dating him. so when we had time apart i did. when we lived together, i had bottles stashed in the bathroom, to drink prior to showering. i sometimes showered twice a day.
17. my family is so dysfuctional, it is chilling. i cut my mom out for like, seven years. and she has cut out her parents for about 15. my dad didn’t talk to his father, or his sister though he was open to talking to her. then his sister moved and stopped talking to his dad, too. i now talk to my grandfather, mom and siblings, cuz it’s a chain that needs breaking, even if we all are insensitive fucking lunatics.
18. my dad died when he was 49, about 2 months short of the half-centennial. he had lung cancer and had smoked for 38 years.
19. i still smoke. had my first one at 11, too and stopped for three years in high school. so i’m coming up on 13 years.
20. i have had some form of eating disorder for 20 years, the most common being your garden-variety anorexia.
21. i have ADD, i don’t treat it and it’s influenced by
22. hypo-mania, which is what i get because i’m cyclothymic, which is usually when i indulge my
23. OCD.
24. during the last two months of pregnancy, all of 19-21 were cured. it was awesome too because then i had zoë and totally understood and spotted PPD right away.
25. i want to get zoë a dog because she loves them but will wait until she’s able to walk down stairs herself so we can go for quick walks without my head exploding with frustration over dawdling.
26. zoë was 6 pounds, 6.6 ounces at birth and had reddish hair. the week before she came out, her dad jokingly bet her soul for trip sixes during a texas hold ‘em game. he got them. she was also conceived on hallowe’en. oooh spooky.
27. it was a natural birth with a spinal block, epidural, gas and morphine. i pushed for about 20 mins after 26 hours of active labour. i had been in early labour for a week and a half, with no progress or regression.
28. it totally sucked, until i got morphine. then that wore off, and it sucked again, until the epi-block combo. i remember screaming a lot before that.
29. then it sucked again because a complicated, severe tear was involved and there was some slow-ass healing taking place.
30. i’ve wanted to be a: neurologist, surgeon, accountant, lawyer, psychologist, counsellor, dietician, nutritionist, fashion designer, college teacher, writer and mommy.
31. in high school, i was accepted to ryerson for journalism and four schools for fashion design, including FIT. then i dropped out. so then a year later, i went to a community college for five semesters and then dropped out of that. i always chose paying rent over education.
32. so far, i’m a mommy, who blogs, knows too much about nutrition, bookkeeps and is fashionably critical but dresses like a slob.
33. i moved out on my own at 15.
34. i love horror movies. the gorier, the better.
35. when i see a prom or wedding or other type of gown, i think of reasons i could wear it and put together an entire look in my head, down to the hair accessories. i’ve yet to wear one except for when i tried on my wedding dress.
36. i used to volunteer with planned parenthood. i talked to the really young girls about birth control options.
37. i have been pregnant eight times. seven of those were miscarriages and of those seven only once was intentional. more statistics: of those six unintentional: once was when i lost my virginity (officially) and had been on the pill for three months; two other times were also on the pill; once was on depo and once was a total oops when i had just gone off of the pill to start depo but hadn’t yet.
38. the unofficial first time was in the back of an SUV in a park and the pain shocked me, so i screamed and he pulled out and apologized profusely. it had taken four other attempts to git ‘er in there.
39. i found out i was pregnant with zoë when i went to complain about side effects from my lithium. five home tests later, i figured it wasn’t the lithium.
40. when i finished that fifth pee stick i quit, cold turkey: lithium, effexor, seroquel, the occassional clonazepam and another one that my sleepybrain doesn’t remember the name of but thinks started with an S, smoking pot, drinking daily and being a vegetarian.
41. i didn’t quit smoking.
42. i wash my hair maybe twice a week.
43. same with my face, unless there’s something on it.
44. i must not be a girl cuz i don’t really like shoes that much. i mean, yeah, they’re cool. but like now, i have two pairs of hanging out shoes…i have a hard time picking which pair to wear some days and only having one would be SO much easier.
45. i love clothes. but am so cheap as to rarely, if ever spend more than $15 on a teeshirt or $20 on a sweater. even when i can afford to shop. yay for growing up on welfare.
46. i used to model. whatever. it was stupid and ultimately sped up my predictable lust for opiates and uppers.
47. i quit modeling (and heroin) at 14, not because i was fixing to the point of IV use even though i was terrified of needles, but because every cent of the money i made went to my agent/dealer and when i didn’t have any and someone offered a trade for sexual favours, i seriously considered it. needles? can handle those, apparently. prostitution? nope.
48. i have only ever been to montreal and rural ontario. and seattle for a day, for a concert. and vancouver island for a day. that’s it.
49. i would eat pasta every day if someone else washed the dishes afterwards.
50. i love spicy, burn your mouth off food and think my avid participation in it’s consumption during pregnancy is why z likes spicy food too. she also loves pasta and heavy garlic stuff.
51. my favourite thing to eat is mr noodles – spicy chicken flavour – with a toasted tomato and mayo or cucumber and mayo sandwich.
52. my tonsils were removed when i was 4. i ate a lot of ice cream and a boy was in my unit who told me that the apple juice they gave me was made of urine samples. and more. i refused chocolate ice cream after that.
53. i got my boobs done about 3 and a half years ago. most people say they had no idea and couldn’t tell, but if i’m topless, it’s obvious as fuck.
54. i share a birthday with emily dickenson. that’s about all we share.
55. i have gotten five tattoos between 18 and 22 years old. one is a coverup, so i only have four. i have planned at least three more.
56. i don’t have a photographic memory, for books, etc, but if you ask me where someone was standing during a conversation, what they wore and their exact words, i can prolly nail them all.
57. i love to read and don’t have enough time, lately, so there are at least seven books on my must read asap list.
58. i got kicked out of sunday school for wearing a tube top and lip gloss.
59. i got kicked out of sports for: breaking a hockey stick over someone’s head, kicking someone in the shins with cleats and throwing a girl down on the field from behind by her hair.
60. i have learned a little of the following instruments: piano, guitar, bass, flute, clarinet, alto sax, oboe, cello and drums.
61. in my family’s history there are at least two people who’ve committed matricide, two for suicide, an astrophysicist and a nazi.
62. i feebly attempted suicide four times between 11 years and 21.
63. i am 25% english and scottish and 25-50% cree. go figure.
64. i would like to restore a ‘67 mustang and then put some nitro in that puppy and drive around farming areas in the valley. drag race myself, basically.
65. my IQ was tested when i was seven, it ranked as ‘high genius’, fh’s is nobel-prize-level genius, so i’ll be interested in zoë’s. just cuz.
66. i love singing but am shit when live and solo. or think i am and freak out inside. so for this year’s bday, i’m getting shitfaced and going to karaoke.
67. i had my first kiss by a boy, not a man, when i was 13.
68. i smoked first joint in the 11th grade. it was the last drug i tried. gateway, my ass.
69. my first beer was at four. my mom’s bf didn’t have milk and i didn’t want pop, so beer.
70. like valency, i prefer Pepsi to Coke, but I prefer Diet Coke over Diet Pepsi.
71. everything i cook is thrown together and i’d say about 85% is amazingly good. the other 15% is completely gross.
72. crocheting is great stress relief for me.
73. in the past 15 years i’ve had 18 paying jobs, two stress leaves, three breakdowns and a maternity leave. i’ve quit a lot and got fired from a couple. the ones i stayed at for longer than a couple of weeks, i got promoted almost immediately. welcome to manic depression.
74. i’ve had two holes in each ear lobe, my cartilige, my navel, nose, labret, tongue and both nipples pierced.
75. my mom’s roommate had a potbellied pig that would cuddle up in your crotch. i miss that pig.
76. i’ve never failed or done badly, really, at anything i’ve really tried. i’m a perfectionist, though, and contrarily, if i can’t do a great job, i will quit.
77. in suite laundry and a dishwasher would help me to the point of being willing to live in an over-priced, badly laid out 1 bedroom apartment until i need privacy from zoë. i will sacrifice space for the ability to presoak, wash and dry while zoë is alone and awake with me, and for not having a dishrack on my counter 24-hours a day.
78. i’d like to garden, but am terrified of bugs with eight or more legs.
79. i hate taking baths. a lot. i get out feeling dirtier than i did getting in and then need to clean the tub asap. it’s just not worth the work, for a little relaxation and shaving my legs horizontally.
80. hot tubs make me think about inhaling bromine and ugh, how gross is that?
81. when i get new impants, i will probably go bigger, cuz honestly, small-boob-esteem just doesn’t go away when you’re a 32D.
82. I have lots of moles and freckles, am naturally skim milk coloured and do not wear sun screen.
83. i’m scared of bodies of water. and the dark, still, a little.
84. the most i’ve weighed in my little ana life was 136 – that was two hours before labour really started. the least was 67. that’s when i
85. went for eating disorder treatment at two different places. which was a waste of most of two years of my life and severely imprinted my mind with “institutional recovery is bad.” three words: restraints and forced feeding.
86. i wear a 9 or 9.5 shoe size and am only 5’6.5” (yes, i need that half inch) and wear a size 00.
87. i had the first pair of doc martens in my elementary school. (except, they were griffins).
88. i don’t have a license or plan on getting one or owning a car.
89. i hate inside birds. they are unpredictable, poopy and annoyingly loud little fucks.
90. Valency said, “I love organizing and I’ll organize the hell outta anything. Even if it’s not mine.” and i second it. but i’ve got to raise it to: i’ll organize the organized stuff differently every once in a while, just for like, fun.
91. because i’ve got a mouth like a sailor and z is a genius, i have started only swearing in french in front of her. her dad is not quite as determined to nodrop eight f-bombs in a 3 minute period, but you know, he’s a fucking tradesperson and those fuckers swear so fucking much, it’s bullshit.
92. i look through all of the flyers, every week, for stores in my area and if i don’t have a flyer, will search online for one. just so that i can plan what to buy according to sales. the staples, of course, i will buy when needed, but if there’s a good price on say, baby wipes? yeah, i’ll buy three months’ worth. this is why i have four bags of pasta in my cupboard, right now.
93. my put some work into favourite thing to eat for some wacked out reason is a sandwich on 16-grain bread with sliced soy cheddar, tomato, cucumber and lettuce, with a crapload of mayo between each ingredient. i also really like pasta with alfredo sauce, but that’s just cuz i’ve got good taste. (p.s., so does z)
94. the only video games i’ve played with any regularity are NHL ‘0_, lego star warses and mario party. when i had an N64, though, i kicked bond’s ass as a constantly (cheap) squatting oddjob and beat zelda in like, a week when collaborating with the rockstar ex (the fiance).
95. before the rockstar ex, i never thought of owning a console of any type. cuz well, i’d always had computers.
96. my dad would occassionally come into my room when i was a toddler and i would be beating the shit out of my doll (the kind whose eyes close when you lay them down) because she wouldn’t go to sleep. it frightened him.
97. child services were called on my dad a total of three times that i was involved in. i lied all three times. one of those times, i couldn’t sit down while they interviewed me because a stick had been broken over my lower back while he was “spanking” me, so i made up an elaborate story about pulling the muscles of my lower back, learning a dismount off of the uneven bars in gymnastics. i wasn’t in gymnastics.
98. i never actually had anything broken by my dad i think, but i have a divot in my cheekbone from the time i got steeltoed in the face. i’ve also had a couple of maybe fractured ribs. i just took ‘er easy for a couple weeks.
99. i’m not over that stuff with my dad, even though he’s dead and all, but it’s kind of a good thing because it reminds me everyday while i am so adverse to any corporal punishment with zoë.
100. every xmas when i was a little little kid, like from 5-9 years, i would look through the sears wishbook and make up itemized lists including descriptions, catalogue number, size, colour and page of things i wanted. no one ever bought me anything from those lists. probably cuz i was a weird little kid.